V

3-27-2006

15 Minutes of Fame

So, I belong to this online writers' workshop, and there are these speedwriting things, and this is one of them that I did. Basically, the prompt was to write about getting 15 minutes of fame. I had 15 minutes to write it, so I couldn't really edit anything, and I use the word, "well," a lot which is dumb, but whatever. It's all written in dialogue, but it's just one half of a conversation. Anyway, as they say on Iron Chef, "Please to enjoy."

funny you should bring that up. yes i am the person who was found trapped under a 700 pound dead guy.
yes, i know his dick was in me when they finally pulled him off me. i swear though that that was just a bizarre coincidense. i'm a lesbian and wouldn't be caught dead (no ill respect to my diseaced counterpart) with a 700 pound man's dick shoved inside me.

now it's true, people don't tend to recognize me much, i mean a picture can only be so big and chances are, no matter how much you enlarge the borders, that fat ass is still going to take up most of the shot.

Surprisingly no, that thing that looks like it might be a foot is actually a discarded chicken breast. Well, no it was grilled. tubby was trying to cut back on his fat intake.

well no, obviously it was too little too late.

no, i don't think that's the kind of thing you should be laughing about.

well, yes I can see the charicature-esque humor in the situation. the problem with that though is, we're not talking about an episode of funky winkerbean, we're talking about an actual human life.

yes, i do realize that i'm going to have a hard time convincing my friends and family that it's not a funny situation.

yes my girlfriend and i are still together.

no, i told you. i'm a lesbian. it was a total accident that that man's dick was shoved inside me.

well yes, that's right. he was wearing a condom.

yes, i had rubbed chocolate syrup all over my hot naked body.

how can you insinuate something like that? I would never seduce any man, much less one who weighed 700 pounds. . . . not even if he did have the hardest, most perfectly shaped cock i've ever tasted--i mean seen--i mean . . .

i'm sorry you were saying?

okay look, that really is uncalled for.

we both know that in a week, no one's going to remember this.

well, yes people will always be able to catch reruns of the the saturday night live parody.

i am aware that my character in the sketch is wearing a t-shirt with a rainbow triangle that reads, "i love sausage."

No, it was just one dim-witted comedy troups interpretation of the events. I am as committed to my girlfriend and my homosexual lifestyle as i have ever been.

aren't you even concerned that a life was lost in this situation.

yes, i'm sure he would have stilled died that day even if he hadn't been playing human pogo-stick with me.

jesus would you guys just leave me alone? I've just lost very dear, well hung friend.