VII

4-2-2006

I Pee; therefore, I Am

I had what I thought was a brilliant idea Friday. I decided that I don't drink enough water. It's true. I don't. Well, I figured that drinking more water would be the easiest, fastest way for me to be a little healthier. I though, hey you're supposed to drink 8 glasses of water a day. I work 8 hours a day. I know. I'll just make sure to drink a glass of water every hour that I'm at work. Jesus, Carrie, how did you get so smart? Why isn't MENSA knocking down your door? Why are you writing rhetorical questions to theoretical readers?
Anyway, I get to work. I pour my first glass of water. I drink it. I feel unstoppable. I feel like the liver and kidneys that I am constantly abusing are high fiving. "Yes!" they exclaim, "we can get her off the transplant list."
That's how I felt after my first glass. Now, after my fifth glass. Things were a bit different. I thought, is this how models stay so thin? They're so full on water all the time that they're never hungry? Then I thought, fucking Christ. I have to pee again!
Then finally, just before I poured my eighth glass, I had what would have been a magnificent idea a mere 7 hours earlier. I checked to see just how many ounces this cup I was drinking out of held. Everyone knows that when talking about measurement, a glass is 8 ounces. How big was my cup? 16 ounces. For all those fuzzy when it comes to math, I was drinking twice as much as I needed to. I thought I was going to fucking die. It was one of the most uncomfortable stomach experiences of my life.
My conclusion. Water is from the fucking devil. Please, discuss among yourselves.