XI

4-16-2006

He wasn't just an Andrew Lloyd Webber Musical

I've a thought about Jesus

Now, I believe that there was a guy named Jesus. He was probably a pretty good guy. I picture him at a lot of Phish shows. He wore Berkenstocks. Probably smoked a lot of reefer. Of course, like any brilliant politician (and most crazy people) he said a few unpopular things. He pissed the wrong people off. They nailed him to a T. They buried him in a cave. Couple days later, the gals go back to the cave.

"Holy shit. He's not here. He done resurrected, (their English wasnt so hot back then). We gotta go tell everyone!"

So the girls run screaming out of the cave. They tell the town gossip that Jesus is alive and walking among them, and within the hour, the whole fucking world knows about it. There are Jesus sightings all over the place, which I can understand. I mean, have you ever started waving to someone you were sure was an old friend only to realize that it wasnt. You feel pretty lame, but you try to play it off, right.

Well, a few days later, lets say 40, a couple of the gals go back to the cave. One of them wants to carve, "MM + JC 4ever" on the wall. She walks in, and there he is. Just like they'd left him. "Girls, girls! Come quick. It's Jesus. Hes been right here behind the milk the entire time."

"How many times have I told you, sometimes you have to move shit around to find something. It's not just going to jump out at you."

Now the shit really hits the fan. They realize all at once that for the last month, people have thought Jesus was alive. How the fuck were they going to explain that one?

They run back to the old group.

"John, Paul, George, Ringo! Do you guys still keep those journals?"

"Yeah, what of it? We dont want to hear it. We told you. We're not gay. We're just sensitive."

"We don't care about that. Its just we've got some bad news, and we just need to make sure we get it in writing. The Man is dead."

"Yeah right."

"No, we mean it. Really, really dead this time."

"Well, how? Where is he?"

"He was in a . . . uh . . . well, that doesn't matter. We saw him ascend to the heavens with our own eyes."

"Well, did he say anything on his way up?"

"Yes, he said, join me in a few hundred years for a reunion tour. Meet me in Utah."